Recently my daughter and oldest son were playing a game where my daughter was a princess. They came to the dinner table and when I called her name to ask her to do something, she politely responded with a correction: “It’s Princess, mom.”
They continued their pretend play throughout dinner using their make-believe names, while my husband and I (the humble peasants, perhaps?) looked on.
After dinner, as usual, it was time for the kids to do their chores. As my daughter began to walk away from the table, I reminded her that it was her turn to sweep the floor.
“But I’m a princess,” she said. “Princesses don't do chores.” She said it with a smile, jokingly, and in character. I knew she was just being silly.
Unfortunately for her, my imagination switch wasn’t turned on at the moment. It had been a tiring day, I wasn’t feeling well, and even with the completion of their chores, I knew I still had clean-up work of my own to do. I needed to not be the one who also swept.
I gave her a look, and in all serious (with a little sass) I replied,
“Jesus is the King and He washed people’s feet.”
“Oh. Oh yeah.” With a slight grin in her “aha” moment, she did an about-face and marched to get the broom.
The proud mom throne
The truth is, many times as moms we are playing the same game. We’re princesses, or probably more accurately, queens of our own little established kingdom.
We may not talk ourselves out of cleaning or chores due to our royalty, but our throne manifests itself in various other ways.
Our throne is so shiny that oftentimes we don’t recognize it for what it is. Because of this, it can easily get out of hand and infiltrate multiple areas of our lives, especially motherhood.
I’m talking about pride. Let’s chat about this.
What is pride?
We normally think of pride as thinking too highly of ourselves and acting accordingly. When we’re prideful, we tend to live and play by our own rules and expect everyone else to follow suit.
Or, perhaps it leads to a feeling of entitlement— thinking we are owed something because of who we are or what we’ve accomplished.
Dare I say, pride can also come at the other end of the spectrum. When we think too lowly of ourselves, think we aren’t good enough, or how we are not up to par compared to others, that is also pride. Why?
When we think we aren’t good enough compared to others, that is saying that we believe God made us incorrectly. We are saying we think that if He’d done a better job, we’d be better off.
The proud mom
Should I be a proud mom? I think this question crosses a lot of our minds when we think of our kids. There is nothing wrong with being proud of our children when they do good things, get good grades, achieve in sports, or we catch them displaying godly character traits in their interactions with friends.
These things are all well and good and can be used to honor the Lord.
But, this isn’t the type of pride we’re talking about. There is a type of proud mom that hinders more than helps our motherhood.
Pride comes before the fall
The dangerous pride is what is warned about in the Bible. This is the pride that leads to destruction (Proverbs 16:18). It puts us in a position where we think we know best, even better than God. Even if we don’t use those exact words, typically that is the attitude behind pride.
Yet, if you were to look up Bible verses about pride, you’d see clearly that the Lord opposes the proud (James 4:6) and in fact, the proud are eventually torn down.
Did you hear the one about the guy who turned into an ox?
King Nebuchadnezzar’s story in the book of Daniel has always been interesting to me. Such a powerful and prideful man, Nebuchadnezzar was considered the greatest king of the Babylonian Empire.
This is the same Nebuchadnezzar who built a tall, gold statue of himself and demanded everyone bow down to it. When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego didn’t, they were thrown into the fiery furnace.
Sometime after this event, however, he is given a dream that Daniel interprets for him. The dream shows him that he needs to humble himself and recognize that the Lord rules, and He is the source of power, greatness, and wealth.
Unfortunately, Nebuchadnezzar doesn’t seek humility and after 12 months, as he is proclaiming his greatness aloud, a voice speaks to him from heaven, God passes judgment on him for his pride, and:
Immediately the word was fulfilled against Nebuchadnezzar. He was driven from among men and ate grass like an ox, and his body was wet with the dew of heaven till his hair grew as long as eagles' feathers, and his nails were like birds' claws (Daniel 4:33).
Ok, so maybe he didn’t literally turn into an ox! But talk about quite a judgment! Nebuchadnezzar spent the next 7 years of his life this way until he finally humbled himself before the Lord and gave praise and honor where it was due (Daniel 4:34-35).
“Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and extol and honor the King of heaven, for all his works are right and his ways are just; and those who walk in pride he is able to humble. ”
What pride looks like in motherhood
Just as we see in Nebuchadnezzar’s life, pride keeps us from doing what’s right. When you’re a proud mom, you start to make your own decrees in your own little kingdom.
Pride creates an obstacle to God’s grace in your life because He gives grace to the humble, not the proud.
Once Nebuchadnezzar humbled himself, the Lord gave him grace, restoring to him his kingdom, his majesty, the favor of his counselors, and as he narrates, still more greatness was added to me (Daniel 4:36).
Still more greatness. That’s God’s grace.
Mama, I’m here to tell you– heavy is the head that wears the crown. I know. I’m on my throne too, right next to you. Let’s learn a lesson from an ancient king, and at the same time examine our own lives.
Pride in motherhood looks like a few of these things:
#1: We use the phrase, “Because I told you so,” too often.
There is a difference between discipline or training up our children, and barking out orders. The things we’re telling or asking our kids to do should have a reason behind them, and depending on their age, it should be a reason that can be explained to them.
Now, I know there are times when it’s warranted to use this phrase, and our children should obey because that’s what they’re called to do.
However, when we see ourselves as the queens of the castle, it’s easy to simply throw out commands all day and expect our humble servants to follow suit.
Be led by the Spirit
As we allow the Holy Spirit to lead us in our parenting, we will find patience, gentleness, and self-control. We will find the humility to stoop down to their level and help them understand what we’re asking them to do and why– which oftentimes allows them to see the importance of the task.
On the opposite, when we tell our kids what to do all day without any training or explanations, we’re simply teaching them to only obey rules for the sake of obeying rules and a ruler.
Is obedience important? Yes! The Lord calls children to obey their parents (Ephesians 6:1) and we are called to obey the Lord. But, doesn’t the Lord make His “whys” clear to us in the full counsel Scripture? Has He not sent the Spirit to dwell in us to help us understand and direct us in the things He calls us to do?
If the Lord Almighty on His throne is willing to be patient with us as we walk out obedience, should we not do the same with the children with whom He’s entrusted us?
#2: Our worth as a mom is wrapped up in our children
It may be surprising to hear that pride in motherhood comes in the form of your children determining your worth as a mom.
Maybe, based on how well they behave or what others think of them, we form a belief of “how good of a mom” we are.
Or perhaps, it correlates to how you choose to raise your kids: how organic or homemade their food and snacks are, whether they’re homeschooled or in the classroom, or the activities in which they’re involved.
If your teen goes through a rebellion phase, you feel your worth diminishes.
If your child graduates as an academic achiever and star athlete, you feel all the more worthy.
Mama, take off the crown. These are all false feelings, made-up standards, and lies. Worth is found in Christ and Christ alone.
Our worth is found in the One who is worthy
Before we were born, He formed us in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13).
Even when we were still dead in our sin, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).
And in Him, we are blessed with every spiritual blessing, chosen, holy and blameless before Him, adopted, redeemed, forgiven, and have an inheritance sealed with the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:3-14).
Nowhere in any of those verses does it say that we have to be a mom to obtain these blessings and promises. It also doesn’t say that our kids’ behavior at the mall yesterday taints any of them.
He is our all in all and from whom our worth and value come. It doesn’t fade or wrinkle.
But, when we think our identity and worth are wrapped up in the actions of our children, that is pride. It’s pride because inadvertently we are saying that how we have raised them is the key factor in determining our value.
The problem is, however, that our kids change and grow. Their character changes, sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse.
Yet, God created us with value, and if He is the one who sustains us and He doesn’t change, then our value and worth don’t change either. He redeemed us. And upon accepting that redemption in Christ, we are given a whole slew of other benefits and blessings.
It has nothing to do with us.
#3: We’re easily disappointed when our kids don’t live up to our expectations.
Comparison is a dangerous thing. We can easily find ourselves scrolling through social media, holding up the reflection of our lives against our friends or those we follow. We can have discussions with other moms from our children’s school and compare their kids’ academic abilities, behavior, socialization skills, and athleticism with our kids’.
Maybe it’s comparison that creates unnecessary expectations for our children.
Or, maybe it’s the latest parenting advice we received from a professional, or every other mom on the block who has happily given us her opinion.
Then there is the way we were raised. We can easily look back at our childhood, contemplate the good and the bad, the wishes and wants we had, and impose them on our kids.
We expect them to live a certain way, behave a certain way in public, and have certain kinds of friends. And, when our children miss the mark, we’re disappointed.
Do you expect too much?
You see, mama, the rules and decrees we’ve created can sometimes serve little purpose. It’s ok to be intentional and mindful in your parenting– in fact, it’s typically a good idea!
But, when we take these mindsets a too far, expecting our little kingdom to look a certain way inside of the house, and to present itself perfectly outside of the house, we’re in the danger zone.
Here, we’re at risk of concealing God’s grace in our everyday lives with the expectations in our do’s and don’t’s, and the failure behind our disappointment. It stifles the ability of our kids to see God’s hand moving in their lives in situations where they struggle or are weak because instead of seeing God’s grace, all they can think about is how they plucked a head of grain on the Sabbath and they shouldn’t have done that.
Expectations lead to weariness
Too many expectations leave our kids feeling overwhelmed and under pressure. And, mama, if we’re constantly feeling disappointed with our children’s conduct, we’re also likely feeling weary and we need to take a look at our own methods.
Let’s be sure the rules and expectations we’re placing on our children are age-appropriate, biblical, and profitable in our training of them in the way they should go.
Proud mom or boast in the Lord?
Mama, we can do this. We can step down from our thrones. We can toss the crowns to the side. Right now, as we are here on this earth, let’s show our children that the King of kings has His rightful place on the throne in our hearts. Let’s display His kingdom, not our imaginary one.
Let’s show our children that it is Him who has done all things for us– He gives life, He provides, He leads the way, and He sustains us.
We are not a force to be reckoned with or someone to bow down to. When we are living as proud moms, we’re blocking our children’s view of the throne. His throne.
Step aside.
As we do, in our humility, He will exalt us in due time.
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