Yes, I’m going there…let’s talk about how to stop yelling at our kids.
Now, I know some of you are hesitant to read this because you’re not a yeller. If this is you, praise the Lord for self-control. I really mean that— praise the Lord! However, I encourage you to keep scrolling as there are some insightful things in this article that will be shared. Things you may not realize you’re doing, even if you aren’t prone to raising your voice. For the rest of us who do raise our voices from time to time, allow me to share a few things the Lord has been stirring in my heart.
First, let me start with the fact that as Christians, we are free in Christ.
What Does the Bible Say About Freedom in Christ?
Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. (Galatians 5:1)
In Christ, believers are called to freedom. Through His death and resurrection, Christ has set you free. You’re no longer bound to the Law and you’re not a slave to sin.
For he who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, dies no more. Death no longer has dominion over Him. For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6:7-11)
As a believer, you died with Christ, and this verse in Romans states that you are freed from sin. You’re not only dead to sin, but alive to God. There are no chains. We are truly free.
Yet, this freedom is not a “do whatever you want” card.
For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. (Galatians 5:13)
What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? (Romans 6:1-2)
Your freedom in Christ is not an opportunity to live in the flesh and fulfill all of your desires, knowing God will forgive you. Because your heart is now “freed up” from the chains of sin, you have the ability, and hopefully, the desire to live according to the Lord’s will for your life, making decisions that please Him. You can truly serve one another through love, which can only be done properly through Christ.
So What Does This Have to Do With Spirit-Led Parenting?
…And, how do we get to the place where we’re truly serving our children through Christ’s love?
Before we can tackle these questions, I believe we need to answer: Who is the Holy Spirit and what does He do?
The Holy Spirit is God, the third person of the Trinity (the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit). He is in fact a “He”, not a “what,” as He is sometimes mistakenly referenced. Jesus told His disciples that the Father would send a Helper who would dwell with them and in them.
And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever— the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. (John 14:16-17)
Let’s remember that when you received Christ as your Savior, the Holy Spirit took up residence in you (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). He is with you always to guide, help, teach, comfort, and intercede in prayer for you. He is ready and willing to lead you on the best paths for your life. And, we learn from Psalm 25:10, that, “All the paths of the Lord are faithfulness and truth.” In your parenting, you can be led by the Holy Spirit.
The question is: Are you willing to be led?
If you’ve read my article about finding rest in busy motherhood, you’ll remember that when things are in disarray and behavior is out of control, my default is to get frustrated. This leads to nothing but weariness. Essentially, what I am doing is reverting back to being a slave to sin at that moment. So, how can I be led by the Holy Spirit instead?
As we discussed above, in Christ, we are called to freedom. However, just because my heart is freed up from the chains of sin doesn’t mean that I have chosen to walk in the Spirit right then and there. It’s a choice. We’ll get to more on that later.
First, let’s talk about another choice we have. This choice is in terms of how we treat our children: Loving Your Neighbor vs. Devouring Each Other.
For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another! (Galatians 5:14-15)
How to Love Your Neighbor
Let’s be honest. Sometimes my children’s behavior gets a little out of sorts, if you will. There is bickering, talking back, delayed obedience, and the like. My patience runs thin more times a day than I care to admit.
If your season of motherhood looks anything like mine, when these times hit, how are you responding to your kids? How do you treat them when you’re disciplining them? Even when you’re upset or they’re being very disobedient, are you treating them the way you’d want to be treated?
Are you looking out for their interests (helping them to develop a godly character that lives for the Lord; teaching them to be aware of their sin and the need for repentance; showing them to be kind and forgiving), OR are you only looking out for your own interests (can I have a little peace and quiet, please?!)?
Paul warns us about this:
Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4)
He urges you not to do things only with your own selfish ambitions in mind. I believe this can apply to serving others, including your spouse and children.
Spirit-Led parenting requires a little more than just looking out for yourself, right?
When you parent in the flesh, the times of dissatisfactory behavior in your children call for yelling, ordering your kids around, and hard discipline tactics that shout, “Do as you’re told, now!”
Let’s think about what happens when you constantly yell at your child. I use this illustration with myself at times: Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Imagine someone a foot or two taller than you who is yelling and barking orders at you all day.
Now, picture yourself at your workplace, or a place where you’re working under another’s authority. Visualize what it’d be like if that authority figure was constantly making demands over your shoulder, or yelling at you every time you messed up. Likely, you’d be stressed, annoyed, fearful, and unproductive.
Do you parent like this? Full disclosure– sometimes I do. It’s very fleshly, and unloving.
Of course, you need to correct, discipline, and teach your children the importance of obedience. However, in doing so, your actions need to show that you love your neighbor. Jesus used words, stories, and parables many times to correct people’s actions or way of thinking. He didn’t lose his temper and yell at them because they didn’t get it.
Listen– there’s a time to flip tables in holy anger and a time for stern, but loving correction in other forms.
How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids
Raising your voice all the time– it’s so easy to do, especially when you’ve repeated yourself a million times (Bonus tip: Don’t repeat yourself a million times!).
A great first step at loving your neighbor (in this case, your child) is to stay calm when your child won’t listen, or when there is fighting, arguing, and just flat-out disobedience going on. Here are a few things the Lord has put on my heart, that I too am working on as I learn more and more how to rely on the Spirit in my parenting.
#1: PRAY FIRST.
Before opening your mouth, pray. Ask the Lord to guide you in how to handle the situation.
I recently heard an illustration that outlines the difference between reacting and responding.
Think of medicine. When you’re taking medication, if you react to it, that normally means something bad. Your body rejected it or perhaps you’re having an allergic reaction. However, if your doctor tells you that you are responding to the medication, that typically means something good. It’s working well, and you’ll likely have a positive outcome.
Stepping into a situation without praying first is reacting. There’s very little thought, just emotions; and it ignites a bad reaction in others.
But, when you pray about it first, the Lord calms your heart and gives you wisdom. This opens up the door for us to respond well because it is a Spirit-led response.
#2: HELP YOUR CHILD SEE the moment through the eyes of the Lord.
Tell him you understand-- things can be hard, frustrating, and unfair at times. Siblings take toys, push each other, and fight, yes– but God calls you to first repent of your own sin and accept His forgiveness. He doesn’t call you to retaliate against those who do you wrong. Teach him these truths. The Lord is more concerned with your child’s heart than making sure he gets his way. And, everything isn’t as big of an issue as your child may think— he needs to come to realize this too!
#3: HELP YOUR CHILD UNDERSTAND how he has sinned.
Using God’s character as a guide, explain to him why what he did was wrong. Be mindful of your words– instead of simply telling him that he shouldn’t lie, show him that the Lord is Truth (John 14:6) and the Lord desires him to have a heart that portrays His character. You can say, “Don’t hit your sister back”, but it’s much more impactful to point him to Scripture that clearly states that he shouldn’t take vengeance into his own hands and why (Romans 12:17-19).
Going deeper in your conversations with your child implants the character of the Lord in his heart, and heart change only happens through the Word and by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Remember-- you want your child to grow up making good decisions because they what to honor the Lord and display godly character in a dark world, not just because they have a bunch of rules they've been conditioned to follow.
#4: TEACH YOUR CHILD how to pray about it.
Lead your child in a prayer asking the Lord for forgiveness and for help to overcome this sin. If your child sees you stop and pray before you respond, he will begin to understand why he should stop and pray during tough situations. This also gets your child in the habit of taking his troubles before the Lord, as opposed to shouldering them himself.
#5: TEACH YOUR CHILD HOW TO EXTEND GRACE to those who’ve wronged him.
You can help your child calmly communicate to the other party how he feels, and what he believes was wrong. This opens up the door for the other person to offer an apology. Without communication, apologies seldom come. From here, it’s important that your child knows how to accept the apology and offer forgiveness, just as Jesus did for us. Of course, he also needs to be willing to offer apologies to those he's wronged as well.
#6: PRAY AGAIN.
Group hug and group prayer, anyone? Thanking God through prayer at the end of a resolved conflict can help your child understand that everything that just occurred wasn’t by his own power or might, but by the Lord’s. Make it clear that it was the Lord who softened his heart, helped him to gain a better understanding, and gave him the power to forgive.
What You're Doing Has An Eternal Impact
You see, discipline is more than just a punishment dished out because your child didn’t do what he was told. We are to train a child up in the way he should go, not only teaching him how to have a heart that is after God’s own heart, but also showing him the importance of living a Spirit-led life.
Doesn’t that sound better than flying off the handle? Does this take more time and effort than simply yelling until he obeys? Of course. But the impact you’re making in your child’s life is far more positive and eternal.
Remember, the more you lose your temper, the more likely it is that your children will lose their cool, which leads us to the opponent of what we just discussed.
Biting & Devouring Each Other
On the flip side, walking out quarrelsome situations in the flesh looks entirely different. In Galatians 5:15, Paul refers to biting and devouring each other. I don’t know about you, but this terminology makes me envision wild animals that are at odds with each other.
Another full disclosure– sometimes this happens in my home too. Allow me to illustrate this vicious cycle:
Let’s say there is the issue of playing fair between the children. When one person lashes out in anger, it’s easy for those involved to lose their cool and do the same thing. A parent steps in, and without stopping to pray about it first, she or he gets heated up as well.
Next, all become selfish in the process, each wanting to defend their own “rights” and actions. The parent wants fair, cordial play to happen, the fighting to end, and everyone to obey. For the kids, defending their rights comes in the form of defending their own disobedience, whether it was against their sibling or the parent.
Said parent continues to get more upset at the lack of respect and disobedience, while the kid(s) tries harder to defend his rights– which of course leads to further anger and disobedience.
With my own kids, I see that this process doesn’t allow them to see their sin for what it is. It makes them focus only on themselves and gain a prideful attitude as they try to defend the reasons why they were right or how they didn’t mess up.
When there’s too much anger brewing, there's too much pride that comes along with it.
Vicious Cycle, Exhibit A: My kids sin. They see me sin by the way I react to their sin, so they continue to sin in the ways they defend themselves (words, more disobedience, bucking at punishment). Then, I continue to sin in anger. Case in point: We devour each other.
Instead, handling situations with the kids in a way that is “loving your neighbor” gives them the opportunity to see and feel love, which puts them in a place where they’re more open to reflect on their sin and repent for it.
This is what Jesus did for us on the cross. He didn't force us to repent by yelling at us to accept Him and fall in line. He loved us and showed us love, which allows us to see our sin for what it is and repent.
How To Keep From Devouring One Another: Walk in the Spirit
I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. (Galatians 5:16)
This verse sums it up for you. You can’t walk in both the Spirit and the flesh at the same time. It’s almost as if it works by default. If you are diligent to walk in the Spirit, by default you won’t have the desire to fulfill the lust of the flesh– at least not on a consistent basis.
You can choose to not walk in the Spirit, and instead, do your best to simply avoid the deeds of the flesh; however, this will prove to be difficult because you’re relying on yourself to do it in your own strength. Even if this is a possible strategy for you, please note: simply avoiding the deeds of the flesh does not make you walk in the Spirit. This does not happen by default.
How can you know this? Because, Paul didn’t say, “Do not fulfill the lust of the flesh, and you will walk in the Spirit.” You have to choose to walk in the Spirit and to be led by Him. The Lord always wants you to willingly choose to walk with Him. Then, and only then will you be powered by Him, able to live according to His Word.
How Do You Know If You Are Walking in the Spirit?
When you allow yourself to be led by the Spirit in your parenting, you will see His fruit evident in how you treat your children. There will be more patience in your responses; more kindness, and definitely more self-control. You won’t act out the first reaction that comes to mind; you’ll let the Spirit be your guide. In other words, the fruit of the Spirit manifests in your life when you walk in the Spirit.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23)
If you’ve ever studied the fruit of the Spirit, then you know that’s a completely different Bible study in and of itself. We won’t go through each of them now, but just know that things like peace, patience, self-control (read: no more yelling!), and gentleness are all amazing traits you want floating around your household. Imagine a world where all in your house are exhibiting this fruit daily.
Living in the Spirit vs. Walking in the Spirit
And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. (Galatians 5:24-25)
I have one last, important comparison for you. I think it’s important to note the difference between living in the Spirit and walking in the Spirit.
We “live in the Spirit” by default because of Christ’s death and resurrection. As stated previously, as believers, we are in Christ and Christ is in us. The Holy Spirit dwells within us.
Although this is true, and as we also already covered– “walking in the Spirit” is not by default. In verse 25, Paul says the words, “let us also…” The word also implies that these are two separate things– one that happens by default when we accept Christ as our Savior (living in the Spirit); and the other, a choice we have to make on a regular basis (walking in the Spirit).
Is Your Tree Planted By the Living Water?
So, sister– are you abiding in the Lord, and drawing from Him on a daily basis? How’s your fruit? Are there some that are more evident in your parenting than others? I know that is certainly true for me. I encourage you to spend time studying the fruit of the Spirit and take inventory in your life.
Spirit-led parenting leads us down a path that is more loving and gentle because we are choosing to let the Spirit lead us in leading our children. As Paul said, if we in fact live in the Spirit, why not also make the decision to walk in the Spirit– and therefore enjoy all of the benefits of a well-watered life?
Let’s link arms together and purpose to walk no other path than the one the Lord has for us in every moment. Lay down your fleshly deeds and desires: your “rights” and your need to make your children fall in line. Instead, let’s teach them how to fall in love– in love with our Savior, His character, the blessings, and the fruit He has in store for them when they choose to live Spirit-led lives.
Which fruit of the Spirit are the most evident in your parenting? Which ones do you need to take before the Lord for help? Share with me in the comments below!
